Standing @ Crossroads

I have tried my best to go up to her and ask her what has changed between us. Why have we become stranger to each other? Why things are not the way they used to be months back? I don’t remember since when I started avoiding her glare. Was it a conscious effort or something that came down so natural to me? I never realized until today that I was so feeble and meek of heart. I can’t look into her eyes anymore. Those beautiful and captivating eyes, that even today bore down deep into my psyche, had made me once realize that I had something in me. Something that I never knew ever existed in my mortal body. Something latent. I don’t know if it was something special, but at least people around me used to say that it was indeed. They used to say that it was because of her that I grew up to become a changed person. I doubt that. Maybe I was always like this. It was just that I never realized until we crossed roads. But today, after almost a year, I can’t face her. The way she looks at me today somehow makes me realize how selfish I have become, or maybe I always was.

I guess this is how we traverse life as a mortal being. We only consider what is good for us and what makes us happy. We never – at least not always- realize what impact our words or action would have on someone who loves us. Or to someone for whom we hold importance. We talk to someone we feel like talking. But what good it is for the other person when we are not there to listen to them when they feel the same? One moment we can’t live without hearing ones voice but the next moment we realize that every feeling that we had earlier with that one person is all of a sudden erased, as it never existed. No matter how hard we try to feel the same way we used to feel earlier turns out a futile exercise. The moments that we had lived once simply become memories that are now merely the relics of the past. Memories that will remain forever. Memories that will surface only by some weird incident or, only if we willingly want them to bubble up from the abyss of our conscience.

Having lived this life as a selfish and self-centered human, I have become a part of memories of many people. This has led me to become more apprehensive of the fact that I might also end up being just one character of someones else’s memories. I don’t say that it is a bad thing. I will be more than happy to be a reason behind someone’s smile, but what if I am the cause of misery. That would not be good. She is a part of many of my memories. When I was with her I was sure that she will be with me forever. As if I owned her. She never complained. She was with me for every moment I needed her support. My friends said that I was only lucky chap that I had her.

I don’t actually know what made me leave her. In fact, I never actually did. She was always near me but somehow we became distant. Or maybe, I distanced myself from her.  There was never a conscious effort behind doing so, but somehow there came another being between us. People believe that if you truly love someone then you would never fall for someone else. But I did. I fell for this beautiful and happiest being I ever met. She was full of energy. Energy that is bound to be left unbounded. She somehow brought so much happiness to all living/non livings things that her shadow fell upon. She has never really accepted me but has always made me feel special. I won’t say that she loves me because that is the truth. But I guess we all are stranded at one point in life that makes us realize that it is better to live and enjoy the moment than spoil everything by making things the way we want them to be. But, being with her who I’m sure- or at least there is a good chance- might not love me back really makes me feel miserable. I am agonized by mere notion of not having her by my side the next morning I wake up. I always wish that such thing never happen. Not all wishes are bound to be true, isn’t it? As of now I am content and glad that I came to know her, and she is still with me.

Today, however, there is something different. There is heavy air that engulfs me. Somehow I am not enjoying whatever I’m doing. The one whom I love today is with me but still there is a big void within me. I feel that I’ve been cruel and ignorant to my first love. Today I realized that I had actually ‘left’ her. She has always been with me. The fact remains: I miss my first love. I don’t know if we all have to make choices or is it just me who is foolish to have aggravated the situation. Since many days I’ve been discovering a lot about me as a human. I try to be someone who I’m not what I say to be. I might appear to be strong, confident and unbending to the choices that I make. I might seem to be someone who never vacillates. That’s not at all true. I have my share of fallibility. Many a times I also wish how different my life would have been if I had selected the thing that I rejected and not the one that I have accepted. I stand at such a cross-road that it might appear that I’ve to make a choice. It’s not difficult for me to select either of them because my first love, my blog and second love, my guitar, are happy to be with me and I will ensure to keep to give my undistracted attention to both.